Barbara Swanston, Mother of Terry, Talks About What Helps Her

photo by Jean Ann Williams

How would you like people to respond to you when they find out Terry had died by suicide?

Keep it simple. 

Say you are sorry, that it must be terrible to lose a child, or just say you don’t know what to say and ask if there is anything I need. I needed people to call me, not wait to hear from me. 

People often told me they had been thinking about me but didn’t want to bother me. I asked them to please call me if they thought about me. That I could not pick up the phone yet I needed to hear from friends. 

Ask how I am doing, offer to help, do something concrete – take me grocery shopping, cook a meal, help with the garden – I could hardly function in the beginning. 

And just listen to me. 

Now when I meet anyone who has lost a loved one I always ask them the name of the person they lost (if I don’t know it), and I often ask them to tell me something they would like me to know about him or her. Nearly everyone wants to talk about their child, but people are uncomfortable and rarely ask.  Please ask me about Terry, and don’t worry if I get upset – that is okay.

What have you done to help yourself since the tragic death of your son Terry?

The first year was terrible; I was mostly in a grief pit and could not get out.  I survived. The second year was a little easier although little things, or nothing at all, would blindside me. However it began to get less intense, more manageable, in tiny increments. 

Coming up to the second anniversary I began to write and ended up writing what I call ‘An Open Letter from a Grieving Parent.’ I sent that out to lots of people and was astonished by the responses, especially from people who shared their own experiences with depression or other mental illnesses and stigma. Also people who had thought about or even attempted suicide. 

I realized there were a huge number of people out there who were hurting and silent because of the stigma. I felt I could begin to make a difference, take the terrible tragedy of my son’s death and help others. So now I have become what I call a Suicide Awareness Advocate. 


Thank you, Barbara. Tomorrow, you'll talk about other ways you bring awareness of suicide to society.

Father, we thank You for Your merciful love and ways. You always stay the same and are Someone we can count on. In Jesus' holy name. Amen.

Until tomorrow . . . reach out to a grieving person and listen.  

Barbara Swanston Talks a Bit About Her Son Terry

Photo by Jean Ann Williams

I have as my returning guest Barbara Swanston, mother of Terry. Terry died by suicide on August 21, 2010.

You may view Terry’s memorial site: http://www.forevermissed.com/terence-terry-swanston/#about

Barbara, thank you for being willing to speak about your loss of Terry.

Thank you, Jean. Let me start by saying although I wish neither of us had reason to be speaking on the subject of suicide, I am honoured to be here to speak about my son, Terry and my experience before and after his loss. Sharing is one of the most powerful ways we can help ourselves and each other in our grief journey.

I have a few questions for Barbara, and she hopes her answers may help other parents of suicide and those who want to help. Tell us a little about Terry. What was he like as a young child?

Terry was a beautiful boy with golden curls, a huge smile and the biggest shining blue eyes. He was funny and bright, sweet and mischievous. He was very outgoing and curious. He also was very sensitive, he had ADHD, and he struggled socially. Adults really loved him but he had a hard time fitting in with other kids.

What was he like as a teenager?

As he entered his teens Terry began to be troubled. He struggled in school and socially. He decided early on it was better to give up rather than try and maybe fail. I think he began to have bouts of depression, although we didn’t recognize them for several years. 

He began to use marijuana to self medicate his ADHD and ease his emotional pain. He was such a kind person. When he was 16 one of his best friends got brain cancer. It was terrible and he stuck by her through all her treatment when many others did not. She survived and they were friends for the rest of his life. 

Do you sometimes feel isolated from those around you, because of the death of your son?

I did feel isolated in the beginning, but I think that was as much about my own emotional fog and shock as people withdrawing. People are at a loss about what to do or say so they often say or do nothing. 

It took time for my friends and family and for me to begin to come terms with Terry’s tragic death and begin to learn how best to deal with it. 

I have tended to surround myself with people who are compassionate and supportive, and I began to ask for what I needed – please call me, please just listen, please let me talk about Terry. 

Most people have been wonderfully kind. I know this is not everyone’s experience. There were a few people who withdrew and a few people I knew I could not keep in my life after Terry died. Those losses were difficult, but it was better not to keep people around who were not supportive. 


Please stop by tomorrow and read more about Barbara and what helps her on this journey of loss. 

Lord, we praise You for the courage Barbara shows as she grieves the loss of a beautiful son. In Jesus' holy name, I pray. Amen. 

Until tomorrow . . . reach out to someone who is lonely. 

Barbara Swanston's Last Part of Her Letter

Terry, Son of Barbara Swanston

We continue today with Barbara Swanston's Open Letter.

Remember when we called cancer the Big C, when unwed pregnancies, domestic violence and homosexuality were not discussed? Many people are uncomfortable hearing or talking about suicide (and mental illness) and there is still stigma and misunderstanding. I believe this must change. We need to be more compassionate, kind and understanding.

Here are some facts. From Wikipedia: The majority of gun-related deaths in the United States ARE SUICIDES, with 17,352 (55.6%) of the total 31,224 firearm-related deaths in 2007 due to suicide, while 12,632 (40.5%) were homicide deaths. The World Health Organization estimates that every year, almost a million people die from suicide, one every 40 seconds. It also estimates that for every suicide, there are up to 200 attempted ones. A recent scientific study stated the British economic recession, rising unemployment and biting austerity measures may have driven more than 1,000 people in England to commit suicide since 2007. Suicide rates in Europe have increased as well since 2007.

From the Health Canada website: Twenty percent of Canadians will personally experience a mental illness every year. Mental illness, by definition, has a serious impact on a person's ability to function effectively over a long period of time.

A while ago, I learned about a mural planned in Philadelphia to help raise awareness about suicide. I got in touch with the artist and he agreed to include Terry's image on the mural (he used the photo above). It is complete but I don't have any close up photos of it yet. Here is a link to the website. I am pleased that his image is part of this project. http://muralarts.org/findingthelight. 

Shortly after Terry died I joined an online support group called Parents of Suicide (PoS). It has been a lifeline for me and many other parents in the same situation. Sometimes it seems they are the only people who truly understand – probably they are. 

PoS is mostly an email exchange group. In every email there is a list of birth dates and memorial dates of children of our members for that month. I usually pause and read the names for that day. Last year I could not look at the August list because I could not bear to see Terence S not once but twice. I would skip over it as quickly as possible and avoid looking at the screen. It was too painful. Last August was just too painful.

It is August again (can it be 2 years already?) and there is that list again. This year, each time I see it I stop and read his name, August 21, Terence S (memorial) and August 28 Terence S (birth date). It is still very painful but I guess this is progress. 

Each name represents a human being who took his or her life in a moment of depression, despair, anger, irrationality, or whatever prompted them. Each one represents people who were impacted by that person’s sudden and most often unexpected death. People who are struggling to come to terms with the unthinkable. Some parents have lost children younger than 12 and some more than one child. Imagine!

What can you do? If you speak to someone who has lost a loved one to suicide don’t hesitate to talk about them. If you know someone who seems to be struggling with anxiety or depression, take time to listen to them. If someone you know mentions suicide, talk to them about it. Talking about suicide does not cause someone to become suicidal or increase the risk. Showing genuine concern by asking about suicide directly can be part of an immediate intervention. When you speak with me do not hesitate to mention Terry. He was a wonderful boy and young man. I need to feel he is not forgotten. Don't be afraid to speak about how he died and how he lived. My hope is that by talking about Terry’s life and his death, maybe another life can be saved.  

Elizabeth Edwards who lost her 16 year old son in a car accident said, ''If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift.'' 

Thank you for reading this.  

With love and peace,
Barbara, Terry's mum                                   
Aug 28/80 - Aug 21/10,

Your light went out too soon!     

barbaraswanston@aol.com   

Thank you, Barbara, for sharing your heart here on Love Truth. Tomorrow, you'll return to begin three days of interview questions and answers for readers.

Father, thank You for helping us parents get through the most difficult grieving journey of all. We lean on Your strength and Your love. In Jesus' holy name. Amen.

Until next time . . . ask that person you know to tell you about the child they lost.