After Five Years, I Still Miss You, Son

Hello parents and siblings who have lost loved ones to suicide. I have a dream. I dream I wake and the nightmare never happens. Our son, Joshua, never died. But, it is not a dream and we live with our reality.

I start this blog, today, with a new dream. One that may, God willing, help others cope and even develope hope after suicide. A blog that may help the loved ones Joshua left behind.

On my writer's blog, I wrote about how much courage it takes to write our son's story. People said to me a many times how courageous I am. I never felt it. Until now.

Five years, five months, and two weeks after Josh took his life, I see a dawn of courage. I have to say, though, I didn't get this way over night or on my own. (And I know I'll lose this hint of courage, only to gain it back, time and again, before I complete our son's story.) I have the hourly help from God our Lord, and the folks he often sends my way.

I plan to post my progress on writing our son's story, so to begin, I want to share something. Last week, I gathered my nerve and brought from the closet Joshua's box of journals. The journals he wrote in the last few years of his illness. Joshua's last written words now sit next to my writing desk, waiting for my courage to lift off the tapped lid and begin to read what he wrote.

Am I full of courage? Yes! Yes, I shout, with God's hand upon me.

Until next time, breathe . . .