Things I Wish For

Since Joshua died by suicide, our lives must go on. I can't help myself, though, when I put him right in the middle of our changes. My husband and I live in Oregon, now, and Joshua had plans for the same. He thought he'd find his wife here. He wanted to get a small amount of acreage. He wanted to be close by and share in our lives. It would be like always, Joshua and us helping one another to plan, remodel, and do the many chores around the place.

Life was made up of this until a year before he died.

Now, when we do any big chore, we think Joshua should be right beside us. We've cut three fallen oak trees for firewood. As we worked, we envisioned Joshua helping. But, now my husband must rely on me for the second pair of muscles, and mine aren't enough. Once again, the loss tugs at my heart.

After Joshua passed, I'll never forget the shock of realization at how much my husband and I had relied on him. That alone brought more tears than I can count. The three of us were a team, and then there were two.

The good news? More often now, we remember Josh with happy thoughts. Out in the field when we work, those envisions of Joshua bring more smiles. As we increase our thoughts of Christ and the plans God may have for us, the hurt mellows little bit by little bit. After six years without Joshua, we've come this far by practicing what God says in his Word. "Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer." Romans 12:12 KJV

When I researched that word instant I found it means persistent. If I've done little else these last few years, it's been persistent in prayers. I didn't know how much one needed to pray to keep from losing one's mind.

So even though our plans for Josh did not happen, we are still loving, breathing human beings. We've made new friends, rekindled old relationships, and put one foot before the other. Do we stumble? You know it. Do we cry out to God for help? Always, even though there's a bit of wallowing before.

A friend and I spoke of God's grace. I said God's grace came first (in the form of his Son dying on a cross), so that we may go to heaven. She said God's grace continues every day.

Until next time . . . pray.