What I Almost Did after My Son's Suicide

 

 

I was not in a good place at the time of this photo.

 

Many months after this was taken, I reached for my husband's gun safe for his on-duty pistol. I couldn't remember the  combination. But I still twisted the knob. Suddenly, I knew that if I killed myself, Satan would win.

 

He. Could. Not. Win.

 

I went to my husband in the living room and told him, "I wanted to kill myself." I began to sob into his chest. "I want to be with Joshua."

 

He helped me to our bed. I sobbed for hours. I could not stop. Sometime later, it came to me that I was trying to be brave and strong. For myself. For my family. I could not longer do so.

 

I spoke to Father God, "I give in. I will do whatever it is You want for me. Please forgive me."

 

A peace washed over me. I sighed. 

 

At that moment, the touch of what I thought was my husband tucked the covers closer to my body as you would a small child. I jerked up. No husband.

 

I slowly lay back down to the pillow. I blinked. Am I going crazy?

 

Than I smiled. Jesus, the Christ, had comforted me not only spiritually but physically.

 

That realization made me sigh once again, and I fell asleep.

 

I understood that now God could mold me and shape me into what he had planned for my life. That in my weakness, He could reign as Father God in my heart.

 

If you need prayer, please leave a comment or reach out at jeanann_w@yahoo.com. jean 

 

 

Joshua far left, his brother, dad, and me.

 

 

Divorce Rate after the Suicide of a Child 

 

It was several months after Joshua's suicide before my husband and I could take a ride on our motorcycle. We did not at feel like enjoying anything. Once we did take a short ride, my husband stopped at the view of a small canyon which was the last time we rode as a group shown in the photo.

 

I broke down. It was too raw. Why did my husband bring me here?

 

We both struggled over the months, from March to June, to understand how the way we grieved was different and yet sometimes the same. The differences in our grief is what nearly broke us apart. We'd been married thirty-four years and wanted to stay married. Yet it was becoming miserable.

 

Before the 4th of July, I told my husband I could not imagine being at home to hear all the pops and bangs of fireworks. The reason was simple: Joshua had shot himself in his room while we were in the house.

 

My husband understood my fear. We got on our bike the morning of the 4th. and drove to a reserved compound in Santa Barabara where no noise was allowed. No music, no phones, and it was nestled up a hill amongest hundreds of oak trees. That was what we both needed as only one firework popped and it was muffled.

 

That trip reinforced our relationship and we worked together in our grief and suicide loss of Joshua.

 

Less than a month later, we hopped on the motorcycle again and attended a craft fair at our local fairgrounds. As we walked around, I spotted a booth where a lone man stood behind his table. My eyes fixed on the word 'suicide' on the pamphlets. I walked closer to the booth, picked up one pamphlet as the man watched me. I lifted up the paper and said, "This has happened to us."

 

The kind man leaned in and said, "I'm sorry for your loss. I too have lost a son to suicide."

 

He went on to talk with us, until he said, "Do you know the divorce rate when a child dies by suicide?"

 

I shook my head no.

 

"It is 99.99%."

 

My husband and I said at the same time, "Oh," and grabbed each others hand.

 

That day was a huge blessing for us. We now understood the reality of what we were up against. We also were more forgiving and more acceptable on how each other grieved.

 

God hears our prayers. Father God saved our relationship. This year, we celebrated our 56th. anniversary. And we still are merciful with each other.

 

If you need prayer, please leave a comment or email jeanann_w@yahoo.com. Jean 

 

 

 

 

When I was ten with my dog Laddie and baby brother

 

Joshua's Animals after Suicide

 Joshua left LiahNora the cat and Heinrich the rottwieler. I never considered that animals may truly miss their owners. 

 Heinrich mopped and ate little. I went to the feed store to stock up on dogfood and told the clerk something was wrong with Heinrich. He asked me questions and one led to me saying, "Our son, Heinrich's owner died recently."

The clerk blinked. "I'm sorry for your loss, ma'am. Heinrich is in mourning."

Now it was my turn to blink. "Really?"

"Yes. Animals feel the loss when owners are gone. It is a proven fact."

I thanked the clerk, went home, and cried on Heinrich's neck. I spent more time with him. Played frisbee and ball together. Eventually Heinrich became the happy dog who ate all his food.

Just days after Joshua's suicide, I was cleaning up in his room. His cat Liahnora stood on the windowsill outside. Several days in a row she did this when I was in there. Liahnora missed Joshua also. I spent time with her even though I was allergic to cats. I gave her pets and sat on the front porch so she could rub her head against me.

Five years later, my husband retired and we moved to my homestate. For our last load of belongings, we filled the bed of the picked with outdoor things and Heinrich's doghouse in the center. He seemed excited as he pressed his muzzle against the screened-in opening of the doghouse. Little did he know our trip would be long. 

As we drove along the Interstate, some people may have thought we reminded them of the Beverly Hillbillies. 

If you are in need of prayer, please comment and I will pray. ~Jean~ 

 

 

When Family Cannot Help after Suicide Loss

My Author friend, Becky, on the left

Even though our family clung together the first weeks after Joshua's suicide, a time came when most of them withdrew. 

They were hurting also. Yet as the mother of the loss, I could not understand why some of the family members went silent. I bore this son. I nursed this son. I disciplined this son. I supported him in all his endevors. Woulld I not hurt the most? I began to pray about these seemingly new losses.

As I prayed, friends and acquaints began to reach out. One friend, who was an author, called me. "Jean, you need a writing project." So she told me her idea and years later, twenty to be exact, the project was published into two books: "27 Characters of the Old Testament: Stories & Activities for Children" and "27 Character Traits of the New Testament: Stories & Actitives for Children". 

Another friend met with me weekly at her home or the coffeshop in the village. She stood by me for three years until I moved back to my home state. Another friend withdrew from me, though, which broke my heart. She came to Joshua's memorial and after, we never met together again. We had had a ten year friendship which the suicide severed. Why you may ask? I really don't know, except possibly my grief was more than she could bear. 

I later learned of Compassionate Friends International. I called a local mom who had lost her son and now helped other moms after suicide loss. We talked on the phone several times. She invited me to meet her at a park. During our visit, she said the most profound words I will never forget. "Jean, go through this tunnel of suicide loss and when you reach the other side there will be a gift." 

I gasped and stared at her. "I want that gift." 

The gift I received was compassion for others not only for suicide loss but any loss or hurt people may be suffering. 

 Please let me know if you need prayer. With love in Christ. Jean

What Helped Me to Sleep after Joshua's Suicide

 To say I slept little the first three months after Joshua's sucide is an understatement.

I knew I would break down emotionally if I didn't get help, so off I went to our local health food store. The lady that managed the supplements knew right away what I needed: magnesium. I took the required dose and finally slept five hours without waking.

This was a huge relief. I had enough grieving of my own and of family members that I helped to console and sleep was extra important. 

If anyone needs extra prayer, please comment and I will pray.

My husband, me, and Joshua 

 

 

After Twenty-Two Years Without Our Son, Joshua

 My son has been gone for over twenty-two years. We still miss him. We still cry at times. We still have some of his clothes, his shoes, his things he cherished. There have been five grandchildren born since his death.

We've moved from the house where he shot himself, from that town, from that state. So we have not visited his gravestone in over ten years. Our Father God wants us to move forward after all these years. He requires it. Does God require us to forget that moment, that day Joshua died? From my studies in God's Word, I do believe we should not "look back" as Scripture teaches in a wallowing of emotions.

Yet, I do understand we need to remember so we can help others who are suffering from suicide loss. After this much time has past there is no room for self-pity in my heart. We move on so we may be a light in a dark world. We still cry with those who cry over their loss. Pray for those who want it. Hold their hands in unity for the loss we both have gone through.

I have published two memoirs on suicide loss. God's Merices after Suicide: Blessings Woven through a Mother's Heart & Covered Mercies. My books are available at Amazon, Ingram Spark, and my site: jeanannwilliamsauthor.com where there you may order and I will send you a signed copy. 

If anyone wants prayer, please comment and I will pray for you! 

What if your child shot himself while you were in the next room? 

What if you held him as his heart beat for the last time? What if Satan whispered in your ear, “Now where is your God?” 

Find out how Jean Ann Williams reached out with her spirit and mind to the one true Father. 

Discover how the Lord God answered her, and walked alongside her in the most difficult grieving journey of her life.

God's Mercies after Suicide: Blessings Woven through a Mother's Heart Hit #2

My book is free today on Kindle and hit #2 at Amazon this morning.  

Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #8,040 Free in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Free in Kindle Store) #2 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Religion & Spirituality > Christian Books & Bibles > Christian Living > Death & Grief

Until next time . . .
 
Get your free download: 

https://www.amazon.com/Gods-Mercies-after-Suicide-Blessings/dp/0997701609/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475851034&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=God%27s+Mercies+after+Sucide%3A+Blessings+Woven+through+a+Mother%27s+Heart

"God's Mercies after Suicide"~Book Reviews # Four & Five

Summer Time Nap: One-year-old Joshua snuggles with his brother Jason

Dear Readers,

"God's Mercies after Suicide: Blessings Woven through a Mother's Heart" is available at CreateSpace and Amazon and the reviews are trickling in. I'll be posting each week one or two reviews over the month of November to celebrate the book's release.
When you leave a comment with your email address, you'll be entered into the contest for a drawing to win the paperback version of "God's Mercies after Suicide".

***

5 Stars~Jean Ann Williams opened the top and shares with us all the terrible pain from the loss after a suicide

 

A heartbreaking, gut wrenching true life telling of a mothers struggle with grief and loss after her youngest dies. I cried. I sighed. I LONGED to comfort the mourning mother. 

Jean Ann Williams opened the top and shares with us all the terrible pain from the loss after a suicide. But with God, and the loving support of friends and family it IS possible to heal and come out on the other side.
 

This is one that is NOT for the faint of heart but certainly a book worth reading for ANYONE who has suffered with the pain of life after suicide. My life is 16 years after the death of a family member at their own hands. And while not a child, still a member with whom I had a special relationship. 

Ms Williams' book helped to open my eyes and mend my heart.

Thank you Jean Ann, and may God's blessing keep shining upon you. 

***

4 Stars~ Excellent Resource

Jean Ann Williams doesn't soft petal the heart wrenching aftermath of suicide. She allows you to walk with her day by day into a life she would rather not face and gives you the opportunity and direction to journal your experiences. Excellent resource.

***

Until next time . . . let us keep our hearts centered on Christ

  

"God's Mercies after Suicide"~Book Review # Three

Ten-year-old Joshua

Dear Readers, 

  "God's Mercies after Suicide: Blessings Woven through a Mother's Heart" is available at CreateSpace and Amazon and the reviews are trickling in. I'll be posting each week one or two reviews over the month of November to celebrate the book's release. 


When you leave a comment with your email address, you'll be entered into the contest for a drawing to win the paperback version of "God's Mercies after Suicide".

***

4 Stars~But, Jean Ann Williams also told about the good times with Joshua

I have never suffered the loss of a child through suicide, but I have friends who have and I can't imagine greater heartache. I felt myself kind of tip-toeing onto each page at first. 

Would it be too hard to read? Would I feel as if I didn't belong, not having experienced anything this horrendous? 

What I found in "God's Mercies after Suicide" was a very warm and moving story about a mother and her son. Heart-wrenching pain was there, yes, but Jean Ann Williams also told about the good times with Joshua. 

At the close of each chapter, Mrs. Williams has provided a place for the reader to write her own memories, a prayer of praise from those memories, and note any scripture found encouraging. 

It is as if Mrs. Williams opens her arms to mothers who have suffered like she has and says to them, "Let's walk a while and tell each other our stories. Let me help you find your own mercies, your own healing. I understand and I care."
 

I was given a copy of God's Mercies after Suicide in exchange for an honest review.

***

The Kindle version of God's Mercies after Suicide is available for free on November 19th.

Until next time . . . lean on our Lord and Savior Jesus