Saturday, September 29, 2012

I Am Still Here

I owe an apology to my faithful readers. I've been living life fully. That meant being away from my desk almost 100 percent of the time. I've done very little writing, some editing, and almost no reading. I'm working on our farm every single day. And, I'm storing my experiences within my heart to share with my blog readers.

As I planted my veggie seeds in spring, I sensed a joy to bring in new life. As I now tear down my garden, I am relieved the work is almost done. I sense a sadness. Why? you may ask. So close to Joshua's birthday, a very hard season indeed.

I am still here.

I walk this earth.

I work and work to fill my mind and heart with the good that God has allowed me to have. I share my life with others in hopes it may help in some small way, and I'm still here.

I miss my son and this time of year will never be easy. Easier, but never easy. I won't fool myself into thinking otherwise. Right now, it's getting hard to feel joy when I wake in the mornings, but now I know what it is. Grief. Sorrow. Sadness for a son I can no longer hug. Or to kiss his forehead. Or to debate issues with. For eight years, I've had this void.

Now that I understand so much more, when I wake and I feel that empty spot within me, I let myself feel it. Then, I think of our Lord and a warmth comes over me. I know that God loves me. He understands me better than I do. I have my Lord.

For those of you who are just beginning this journey of loss of a child, know that you can still be here and grow in the Lord. You will stumble, but God will carry you.

If you are willing.

Until next time . . . remember Who it is that loves you most.