Friday, February 19, 2010
A Bad, No Good, Horrible Day
I'll paraphrase what I read in a suicide survivor book. Where you are spiritually, is what you'll be equipped with after the suicide of a loved one.
"As thou knowest not what is the way of the spirit, nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her that is with child: even so thou knowest not the works of God who maketh all." (Ecclesiastes 11:5)
My point is simple. When Josh died, I needed to know why. I needed to gain some of the control I lost the day our son left us.
Would Joshua be in heaven one day, even though he took his own life? One friend said, "It may be that you will never know."
An honest, but uncomfortable answer.
I wrestled with God, daily. I wanted answers. Now! These are normal human feelings and thoughts. And that's what makes them suspect. They are our human side. All this struggle business is part of the plowing through the middle of grief after a loss. This way, we come out the other side with proof God is Lord.
As human control freaks, we think it is our right to know all, see all, do all. Sorry, but no. That's why we have God. He cares for us as a parent attempts to care for their child. As is meant for a child toward their parent, it is number one importance to obey and trust as children of the Lord. That's faith in a nut shell.
But, it is NOT easy to perform daily faith when one's son has killed himself, and you were unable to stop it.
My best moments were what I wrote in the February 9Th post. This post is about my bad, horrible, no good days. You'd find me down, my nose pressed to the floor sobbing to the Lord, while my husband mowed the lawn. I most always came undone when my husband was at a safe distance. It frightened me to fall apart all alone.
The day after Joshua's memorial service, I began to eat. I weighed 107 pounds and by the end of three years, I weighed 162. I ate comfort foods: dairy, chocolate, and Mexican cuisine. Lots of that salsa. It's proven that hot peppers raise one's serotonin levels which bring us to a happier place.
Joshua was depleted of serotonin, and that's why I believe he was able to do what he did.
The good and the bad of overeating, is I didn't get so big that I was obese, but my doctor was beginning to worry. Now that I look back that food helped me stay alive, while I processed. The part I feel ashamed about is this: Why was Jesus not enough? Why didn't my faith in him keep me from gobbling down comfort foods?
I believe it was that wrestling thing, again. Like Jacob of the Bible, I could not stop wrestling with Lord God until he answered me. What I found though, were insights of a different kind. I'd "stumble" upon scriptures that gave solace to my soul. Scriptures that told me to sit tight and rest in his arms, while I ate.
I was so lonely for Joshua. That alone just about sent me over the edge. But you see, I had to come to a place of complete broken before God could reshape my soul. That took three and a half years. When I landed, spiritually safe, God allowed me to move forward. It reminded me of birth. As the child comes to us naked, I too, came the same way spiritually delivered to Lord God. Through it all, Christ Jesus increased my faith.
I made a choice at that moment of my redemption. We will not on this earth understand "the works of God who maketh all."
I must wake each day and choose who I will follow. Some days I choose myself and that's a bad, no good, horrible day.
Until next time . . .