Monday, December 9, 2013

Psalm:116:1~I Love the Lord

My two sons, Jason & Joshua

Dear readers,

"I love the Lord, because he hath heard my voice and my supplications." KJV

You may be wondering how I can agree with this verse, since my son died by suicide nine years ago. I've had to really work through this idea, because I did pray for my son.

Someone said to me right after my son died, "Maybe God did answer our prayers. Joshua is no longer suffering."

Well, maybe. Maybe not.

After nine years, I've seen a pattern of when God answers yes and when He answers no.

God has always said yes when I pray for my spiritual growth. That is God's priority, helping us to become more like Jesus. I came to that realization about four years ago, and this fact has caused me to love and cling to Lord God even more than before.

As to other prayers, I can only say we can pray for people, but we have no control over what others do. Many times the prayers I pray for my loved ones are a yes, because I am careful to ask for God's will in the process. And I am careful to ask that, above all, the person I'm praying for will grow to know God better.

There may be two parts to why I feel my prayers weren't answered regarding my son.

As far as my son goes, he was taking SSRI medications for depression and anxiety. He chose not to get off of them. He saw they were not working for him, but he continued to take them.

On the other hand, maybe I was not asking God the right request for Joshua. I certainly didn't know he was contemplating suicide. Joshua hid that very well from his family.

Holy Father, we are but feeble children of Yours. We stumble about much of the time, but we are still Yours, if we've accepted Jesus as our Savior. Please continue to guide my mind, my words, and my heart so that I may help others in some small way who've lost children to suicide. In Jesus' holy name, I ask. Amen.

Until next time . . . please contact me if you have thoughts on this topic. I'm very open to debate.


  1. Dear Jean Ann,

    Hindsight is always 20/20. I don't think you prayed incorrectly for your son, you prayed in the best way you could. As you stated, you had no idea what was on his mind so how could you pray in that area?

    I realize that this is a sensitive topic, and I am truly sorry for your loss. But honestly, only God knows a person's heart and He is in control of everything. And we mustn't forget His gift of free will.

    The Lord knows how much you love your family members. He also knew what young Joshua was going through. But Joshua made a choice using his free will. And it seems to me that the Lord has used this tragedy to draw you closer to Himself, and to give you strength to reach out to others who suffering in the same way.

    I don't think anyone should second guess God or the way that they pray. Often it is hard to know what to pray for...we do the best we can. And the Lord knows this.

    I hope that you can take comfort in knowing that one day all your questions will be answered. And in the meantime, I pray that you continue to write and reach out to other survivors of suicide.

    Ann Marie

  2. Ah, Ann Marie, your tender thoughts and love shown to me today gave me teary eyes. I appreciate you! You have a sensitive way with words. :)) God bless you on this day and all the days to come. And thank you so much for reading and then commenting.

  3. Jean, I'm sorry. I don't believe these drugs help. A lot of people after taking these kind of medications committ suicide. Maybe, it wasn't even his will. These drugs change chemicals in the brain affecting the person taking them. I'm so against these drugs but doctors in United States push them toward their patients. We don't know what was in your son's head at that time. But many patients also have strange thoughts like killing other people after taking these kind of medications. I belive many keep it to themselves. They become afraid of themselves and are afraid they won't be able to control their actions. When it's too painful, they take their lives. I don't know how your son felt and what he was thinking. But for sure he was at war with himself and saw no other way suffering in silence.


  4. Thank you for stopping by Anna. I'm glad someone has finally acknowledged the real thing that killed my son. It was not him.

    God knows all, and His love for us will see us through the loss of Joshua.

    Bless you, friend!

  5. Jean, I don't know why these drugs aren't banned. When a healthy person starts taking them, these medications play tricks on their minds. But in hospitals anybody who's having some anxiety or a panic attack is given a drug to calm down nerves. That's how it starts. A lot of times it causes a lot of damage. Patients don't get results, so doctors increase their dosages or substitute it with even stronger medications, experimenting! Doctors are at fault telling a healthy patient that's what they really need. In return of course their patients return for more since there is no improvement. Doctors make money. I'm sorry but I feel one of these doctors took your son's life. And can you believe mothers are told to treat children with drugs when their children are hyper active in preschool? That's how young it stars with some. And why doesn't it surprise me most of these parents adopted kids? These new parents are willing to accept drugs to calm their adopted children. It's not love, but the peace and quiet they long for.
    Some people believe taking a pill will solve their problems. It's terrible it continues. More people are given these drugs hoping and believing.Your son took his life when he was at war not understanding what was going on. Others become insane. You should continue this blog and make other people who suffer aware.
    Thank you for sharing your grief and opening your heart.


  6. I intend to address this issue with a gentle and kind heart. I do not even dislike the doctor that gave Joshua all the different meds. He even cried when I called and told him what Joshua had done. The poor doctor was (hopefully not now) just as misinformed as we were.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this post, Anna.