I Am Still Here

I owe an apology to my faithful readers. I've been living life fully. That meant being away from my desk almost 100 percent of the time. I've done very little writing, some editing, and almost no reading. I'm working on our farm every single day. And, I'm storing my experiences within my heart to share with my blog readers.

As I planted my veggie seeds in spring, I sensed a joy to bring in new life. As I now tear down my garden, I am relieved the work is almost done. I sense a sadness. Why? you may ask. So close to Joshua's birthday, a very hard season indeed.

I am still here.

I walk this earth.

I work and work to fill my mind and heart with the good that God has allowed me to have. I share my life with others in hopes it may help in some small way, and I'm still here.

I miss my son and this time of year will never be easy. Easier, but never easy. I won't fool myself into thinking otherwise. Right now, it's getting hard to feel joy when I wake in the mornings, but now I know what it is. Grief. Sorrow. Sadness for a son I can no longer hug. Or to kiss his forehead. Or to debate issues with. For eight years, I've had this void.

Now that I understand so much more, when I wake and I feel that empty spot within me, I let myself feel it. Then, I think of our Lord and a warmth comes over me. I know that God loves me. He understands me better than I do. I have my Lord.

For those of you who are just beginning this journey of loss of a child, know that you can still be here and grow in the Lord. You will stumble, but God will carry you.

If you are willing.

Until next time . . . remember Who it is that loves you most.

Why?

 

The questions parade in circles 'round  my head

No peace, no rest, only surmounting dread

When images of his last days crowd my thoughts

Why could not I have helped him, why not spared the cost.

For months I have questioned the God that I love

"You could have stopped him, Your hand stayed from above

A prompting from You would have ushered me to his side

I could have begged him, perfect words halt the tide

Of pain he was feeling and anguish of soul

Now it’s too late, his body no longer whole."

Many regrets and sorrows over what could have been,

Must I lay this to rest and only pretend?

Job, too, had his questions laid at Your feet

You answered from the whirlwind his questions defeat

His friends assumptions of why God allowed

The death of Job’s children the suffering avowed.

Instead the questioning now came from You,

Was Job there from creation when You made it all new?

Are you God and able to understand His plan

Or how He has held you through all in His hands?

So cease from your striving, set it to rest

Be still I am God, stop putting me to the test.

Mrs. G

2012

Permission granted to use this poem as long as it's used in its entirety

A brokenhearted mother wrote this poem as she journeys through her loss of a son to suicide. Like all parents who lose children this way, the questions pound. And slam. And torture. 

There seems no mercy left, because of our intense anguish. 

As Mrs. G concludes we must know that God is God and we are not, and that He does love us.

Until next time . . . choose to remember God's love runs deep and see the blessings along the way. 


 

A Bittersweet Mother's Day After My Son's Suicide

“I’m having a Mother’s Day Tea,” my friend Becky said on the other end of the phone line, “and am inviting some of our writer friends and a few of the ladies from church.”

My heart dipped.

Six weeks into grieving my son’s suicide, I didn’t know how I could possibly get through an afternoon without crying. Each afternoon played out the same, and escalated into evenings of tears, tears, and more tears. I did not intend to upset my friends and ruin a tea party, so I said, “That’s so kind of you, Becky, but I’m afraid I can’t go. I’m too weepy and that will bother everyone.”



To read the entire story, go to OpentoHope. Then, click on "Articles" that is halfway down the page, and you'll see my article.

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers who have lost children and to those who have not. God bless you for the love you've poured out onto your children.

Until next time . . . remember.

[photo is of my son Joshua at age nine]