Saturday, May 22, 2010
Questions With No Answers?
I'm a walking question mark . . . ????
The biggest question that I have asked since the hour Joshua died by suicide, is this, "Did our son go to hell because of the way he died?"
Now I didn't immediately ask it, really. Both my husband and I said, "Joshua's going to hell."
Sounds real harsh doesn't it, but we both believed that suicide was a sure trip to an eternal life in hell.
I've told my close friends and even near strangers this fear that I have. I've gotten some very encouraging responses, bless them. Even though these sweet folks believe Josh would NOT enter into hell because of suicide, I have decided at this point that I may never know.
I honestly don't believe that even asking for forgiveness before he did the deed would pardon Joshua. The only consolation I have is that Joshua did attempt twice hours before the finality of his death, and that first attempt made him weep. He did not want to die. He reached out for our help.
With that in mind, I believe something took over our son that was not him. It was not him each time he attempted and when he succeeded. So what was it? Was it the medication for depression and anxiety? Was it a demon or demons? And since Joshua had accepted Christ and washed away his sins ten years before, is there something I am missing?
We, his family, saw him saved by the blood of Jesus. We were there when he gave his confession of faith, went down into the water, and came back up. Joshua's face shined after he put off the old man of sin and became renewed in the Spirit of Christ. All evidence of his new life as Christian.
The only Truth I know for certain, though, is my own walk with Jesus. I work hard toward the day to enter into Jesus rest in heaven. Will I know Joshua's fate? Maybe. Maybe not.
Questions With No Answers? God has many mysteries, but much hope for his children's future. It's all in how we respond each day and our obedience to him.
One of my favorite hymns is "I Want to be a Worker." Look at this chorus: "I will work, I will pray in the vineyard, in the vine-yard of the Lord; I will work I will pray, I will labor ev'ry day in the vineyard of the Lord."
Until next time . . .