Sunday, November 21, 2010

The Heart Of A Mother

A heart grown weary,
A soul shattered by loss.
How can it be, that I still live,
And yet my son does not.

As mother Mary, "kept these things,"
I pondered in my own heart.
Did Mary know her Son would die?
As surely, I did not.

Mary cried,
for her Savior Son.
And I, for mine,
We have a mother's heart.

By Jean Ann Williams

Inspired by Luke 1:19, "But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart."

The poem above is rough (I'm not a poet), but it says much about how Mary's situation kept me going after Joshua died by suicide. When all I wanted was to be with Joshua, I would think of Mary. I'd read every scripture written about her. I would nod. "I believe, Mary, I know how you must have felt."

In Joshua's journals, he mentioned more than once what a burden he was to us with his physical disability. He wrote about how he wanted the best for his parents. I'd rather have my son be my cross to bear, than like now.

I wish, oh, how I wish, he would have understood how we felt. Did we give mixed signals? Did the times I was worn down with caring for him show that much?

I thank God with all my heart that Joshua left us his journals. He cleared up several issues for which we felt guilty. We thought some of the decisions we made had pushed him to his death.


They did not.

Joshua even wrote, "I don't know what will happen to me when my parents are gone."

Before his death I pondered much in my heart, watching Joshua deteriorate. I ponder still. What would life be like if Joshua had lived?

I'll leave you with a scripture. Psalm 19:14 "Let the words of my mouth, and the mediation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer."

Until next time, pray.


  1. Oh Jean, your words touched my heart deeply. Thank you for sharing so openly. God has taken you through such a valley.

    Journals ARE such a gift. So thankful you have Josh's.

  2. Jean,
    Thank you for sharing your heart. I, too have been encouraged by Mary's life and what we read in Scripture about her. When my son signed up to enter the military a week after 9/11 I thought my world would stop. I was so scared. Meditating on Mary's love for her son, Jesus...and contemplating how hard it must have been for her to watch Him enter the wilderness for His 40 day preparation and then temptation by Satan and then endure all that was ahead. There must have been so much she didn't understand, yet she hung onto to the early words of the angel when he visited her so long ago.

    So, just had to share that Mary has encouraged me too. She believed. That is all God asks of each one of us.



  3. Jean - thank you for your thoughts about Mary and us mom's. Did she know? How was it to WATCH him suffer on that cross? How did she feel about John, when he told her that he would be her son?
    That suffering is unknown to me, but gives me courage when I see that no pain is new to God.
    Thank you for your thoughts that give God's message of love and identification with us.

  4. Jean, this touched my heart! I am so sorry about your loss. My prayer is others may read and be healed.

  5. Thank you for stopping by, Bonnie.

    God bless!

  6. Great comments and questions about Jesus's mother, Lucy and Jeanne. Within each of your words, I can see you adding to it and creating an article.

    Mary was a great example to all mothers.

  7. I have no words, my eyes are filled with tears. We are praying for your family. Hugs to you.

  8. Thank you, Leia. We always, and every day, need prayers. We pray for you and your family often.

  9. JP, thank you kindly for stopping by. I, also hope others will read and find comfort.