God's Mercies after Suicide~Within Two Hours

Baby Dove~photo by Jean Ann Williams

"For my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast."

—Psalm 57:1 KJV

My body trembled.

     

What could I have done better to keep him here?

     

Would Joshua go to heaven?

     

Emergency workers moved in the background. A few tight-knit family members stood in shocked silence.

     

I felt dead, as dead as my son in the next room. My adult daughter, Jami, knelt before me where I sat on the couch. Tears streamed over her flushed face. “Mommy, I’m grateful you and Daddy are safe.”

     

Safe? Her brother Joshua lay in the other room. His body rested on his bed. His spirit? It had flown to eternity.

     

The room hummed. My husband talked with authorities.

     

I heard a voice.

     

Satan.

     

“Now where is your God?” He mocked me.

     

I shuddered in terror. Another shock, the aftershock, worse than when I felt my son’s heartbeat stutter—Good-bye, bye.

     

My spirit flew into the arms of safety, and my mind called, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

Father, hold me. Let me sob in Your rest. Your feathers1 cover me. In Jesus’s name.

A Mother’s Memories

Born in Lindsay, California, on November 27, 1978, making us a family of five, my son came into the world with coal-black eyes and a shock of feather-hair to match.

     

The first time the nurse brought him to me, cleaned and bundled, I gripped him around his chest and raised him as an offering to the God on high. I peered into my little one’s face and began to singsong, “Hi, Son.” His head stayed straight above strong baby neck muscles, his eyes zinged to mine, and he swallowed, listening.

     

Mother and son bonded.

Thank You, Father, for giving me this long-awaited child. I am blessed. In Jesus’s name. Amen.

Reader Journal

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