Monday, March 23, 2015

God's Merices after Suicide~A Short Time Later

Our family when Joshua was 15 years old

A Short Time Later

“I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”"
—2 Samuel 12:23

The gurney that hid Joshua’s body inside a black bag rolled into our living room. The young men attending paused.
I stood. Their eyes grew wide as they watched me, mother of Joshua.
The men bowed their heads and rolled my son toward the front door.
I reached Joshua before anyone could stop me. “Wait!”

Looking down to where my son’s head lay hidden, I unzipped the plastic to see his gentle and now peaceful face. “Good-bye, my son.”
I kissed his forehead. “I’ll love you forever.” I kissed his lips.
The emergency people made a move. Joshua’s death bag zipping shut crackled and echoed.
No, no, no! I’m not done.
The wheels of the gurney stumbled over the threshold of the open door. At the sound of its rattle, my soul shattered into a zillion pieces, and I dropped to the floor.
Hands grabbed. Hands settled me on the sofa. I choked on my sobs, not able to catch a full breath.
Soothing feminine words. “She’s getting too hot.” A cool cloth reached my cheeks, but I could not stop crying. My throat burned raw with my wailing.
My daughter tipped a glass to my lips. “Mommy. Drink this.”
Water? Nothing could quench my thirst for my lost child love.

We cannot bear this horror, dear Lord. Hold us. Oh, I know You’re here, God. Hold on to us!

A Mother’s Memories

I enjoyed giving my first two babies lots of cuddling.
With Joshua, I showed affection in the same way.
Having had problems with milk fever after each birth, I nursed my first two children for only a short time. When Joshua was born, the doctor prescribed a new medication for milk fever that would not ruin my milk. That time, I was able to nurse for much longer.
That was a good thing, for my little boy suffered from many illnesses, and my milk sustained him.
As Joshua grew into a toddler, he showed affection by patting my cheek and saying, “Ah, baby.”
Before bedtime, I had better not forget to give him a hug. If I did, as I turned out the light, he’d say, “Mama!” I would flip on the switch and see his arms outstretched for that hug. Stooping to him, Joshua wrapped his pudgy arms around my neck and squeezed.

I cherish my son, Lord. Thank You for bringing him into our family. Thank You that the older children cherish him as well. In Jesus’s name. Amen
Reader Journal

~Your Mother Memories~

~Your Prayer of Praise~

~A Scripture of Encouragement~


  1. Pat Luffman RowlandMarch 23, 2015 at 6:27 AM

    Your daily devotionals are just the right length, Jean Ann. Your words touch my heart and bring tears. I'm grateful for the time and work you have poured into this so that you may help others. This is a beautiful tribute to Joshua.

  2. Thank you for continuing to read them, Pat. And thank you for praying for me all these years. In Him, Jean

  3. I just got home from a doctor appointment and the first thing I did was open your blog to read today's devotional. Like Pat, and like the three posts preceding, your words and heartbreak brought tears to my eyes. I so admire your strength and the courage it must have taken to write about Joshua in order to help other mothers who will read this.

  4. Thank you for your kind words and the encouragement. I still need so much of that. God has given me all I need to write what happened. I can do none of this without our Lord. God bless your day, Peg!

  5. Another touch of precious love and grief, Jean Ann. God's healing power has been a miracle since those first few hours. Our Lord is saying to you, "Well done, my good and faithful servant" as you reach out to help others. This sharing is a miracle. God bless you always.