The Holidays and Our Grief

Even though it's been over five years, the holidays are still hard, hard, hard. No doubt!

My husband and I slog our way through. Christmas without our son, Joshua, is brutal. If it weren't for our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, we simply couldn't do this. I must admit, though, we don't decorate for Christmas anymore. We don't buy a tree. Our hearts are no longer into that aspect of it all.

We still give holiday gifts, but now they are home canned jellies, jams, and foods from our garden. I love giving gifts like that, and I start making them in August and finish up in November. No more holiday shopping for us. It's a relief, really. I can barely handle the ho ho ho's and the happy songs. All the decorations in the stores.

I pray harder and longer during November and December, to help us get through. I count my blessings more often, to maintain a decent attitude. I must admit we get angry still. Hurt from no more Joshua here on earth.

I read the scriptures of when Jesus cried, when he was troubled, and tempted, and I sense a strength that can only come from him. Just knowing Christ suffered everything and more of it than me, makes me know even if no one else understands how I feel, he does. He always will.

All those who loved Joshua and were the closest to him, I say, "We can get through this time of year." We will be saved. "With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26)

Until next time, be on your knees in prayer and God will see you through.

Joshua's First Signs of an Ultra Sensitive Nature

When Joshua began to walk and held onto furniture, visiting family became difficult.

At home, we didn't have the nicknack's and glassware for him to knock over and break. Getting around on his own brought out the happy in him. He'd be in a constant state of grins, while powering himself around at the speed of light. I checked on him and then a few minutes later, he'd be many, many steps from where I saw him before. I'd say, "There you are!" He beamed me up a smile and kept on going, showing off his new talent. This was also a real awakening time for my husband and I. The beginning of learning our son's unique nature.

Around that time, we visited family at the beach. They had fragile glass on the coffee table. Everyone, including Joshua's siblings, were saying, and even yelling, "No, no!" The shouts came with rushing to catch a vase before it fell to the floor. Joshua looked up, his eyes wide in shock at the loud voices.

After an hour of this, Joshua cried in hysterics. I took him upstairs to nurse him, but he arched his back and screamed. We were sure he was ill. But, when this happened the following two visits, my husband figured it out. Joshua's sensitive nature couldn't handle all the people (six total), yelling or saying no at him.

We asked our family members to come visit us until we hoped this would pass. We stayed home for three months, while we taught Joshua not to touch certain items. When we went back, it was agreed I or my husband would be the only ones to discipline Joshua. It worked very well, and Joshua never had another crying jag from this particular situation.

I've learned we must take each child's nature and train them, considering their unique personalities. God designed us with no two people alike. Because of Joshua's tender feelings, we gave up spanking our children. But that's another story.

Until next time . . . love your little children should also mean, take their individual persons into consideration to help grow them into emotionally healthier adults.

Touched With the Feelings of Our Infirmities

This post was planned to be about Joshua as a toddler, but I came across a scripture that excited me.

"For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin." (Hebrews 4:15)

Jesus is that high priest. He understands our failings and sorrows. He has been tempted as we are tempted. Remember the forty days in the wilderness? Jesus met with sorrow, upon sorrow, upon sorrow.

After reading much scripture, I believe God is sad along with us when we lose a loved one. Maybe not like we know sad, but he feels our pain. Now, since Christ is gone on to prepare a place for us in Heaven, the Holy Spirit is here as comforter to those who are baptized into Jesus' blood for the remission of sins. This is our gift.

All this gives me hope, hope, and more hope, because waking up to November 1 is brutal. I wake to an understanding that my world is blown apart. I always grieve harder in November for it is my birthday, without Joshua, and then his birthday. Before Joshua's suicide, I grieved for my grandmother and mother, for they were born in this month.

Through it all, I remember I am grateful. My husband carries me through and holds me as I weep. And when my emotions calm and the tears don't pour like rain, I am always blessed with the reward of more of Jesus' strength. Another words, spiritually I grow a little more.

Oh, yes, and after you've gone through the valley for the hundredth time, it's okay to smile.

Joshua would want me to smile.

Remember Hebrews 4:15, and until next time . . . pray.