God's Mercies after Suicide: Blessings Woven through a Mother's Heart~The Devotion and A Mother's Memories~A Mother Like Me

photo by Jean Williams~A Mountain Cliff

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart. Oh, God, thou wilt not despise.”

—Psalm 51:17 KJV

Jason’s wife told me about a friend of hers who had lost a son.

My daughter-in-law gave me Margaret’s phone number and encouraged me to call. I held on to the number, and weeks later I gathered my courage. Kind and easy to talk with, Margaret shared with me her loss and told me about The Compassionate Friends organization.

Margaret gave me the number of the woman who put out The Compassionate Friend’s regional newsletter. That lady had lost a son to suicide just as I had. Margaret said the lady would help me find a place of understanding.

Setting the phone onto its cradle, I sensed a hope. Within The Compassionate Friends, there were other parents like us? Yes, even those who suffered the sorrow of losing a child to suicide.

Oh, my dear Lord. You have shown me I am not alone in my sorrowing. You bring about good from sorrow. In Jesus’s holy name, I thank You. Amen.

A Mother’s Memory

When Joshua was three years old, our family took a vacation, and we stopped in the state of Colorado.

When we drove over a bridge with a river underneath, we poked our heads out the car window to see thousands of feet down. We craned our necks up at the tall rocks that peaked just short of the clouds. As it was getting late, we drove to the top of one such bluff to camp for the night.

Everyone piled out of the car, and we stood in awe. Land spread out down below for miles and miles. Our children clustered together, pointing and exclaiming how high we were over the world.

Suddenly, Joshua broke away from his siblings. He ran toward the edge.

Jason’s swift legs ran after his baby brother. Jason grabbed Joshua before he reached the edge to fall thousands of feet to his death. How Jason knew there was no fence for protection, I’ll never know. Jim and I thought it was fenced. Coming from a state that fenced all dangerous sightseeing areas, we were shaken to tears to find nothing but air where Joshua was headed.

I believe Joshua’s guardian angel prompted Jason to save his little brother from sure death.

Oh, Lord, I am grateful, so very grateful You allowed Your angels to nudge Jason into action. We were able to keep Joshua for twenty-two more years. In Jesus’s name. Amen.

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~Your Mother Memories~

~Your Prayer of Praise~

~A Scripture of Encouragement~

God's Merices after Suicide: Blessings Woven through a Mother's Heart~Grieving Animals~The Devotional and A Mother's Memories

photo by Jean Williams~Joshua's Cat, LiahNora

“O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever.”

—Psalm 118:29 KJV

The more time I spent in my dead son’s room, the more my heart wrestled over his absence.

When my husband and I began the process of packing Joshua’s room, an odd thing happened. His cat, LiahNora, jumped on Joshua’s window ledge and howled. Never before had she done this, for she was a contented outside kitty.

After the third incident, I straightened from where I was bent over a box and stared hard at LiahNora. Tears stung my eyes, and I sighed. “Poor kitty misses her Joshua.”

Then I thought of Joshua’s Rottweiler, Heinrich. I walked out to the backyard to where the dog stayed. I fed him and gave him fresh water daily, but otherwise I ignored the poor animal. Had I noticed any changes in his habits? Heinrich had not been wolfing down his food in mere minutes, as was his habit before Joshua died. He let his food sit sometimes all day. His eyes drooped, and his once-hyperactive nature became one of a moping dog.

I sat down at the picnic table bench. “Come, boy.” I motioned for him to lay his head on my lap.

I no longer had Joshua to care for, but his animals needed my love and attention.

Lord, You made animals with feelings, and I never fully understood until now. I am grateful to have Joshua’s pets as my companions and a connection to my son. In Jesus’s name. Amen.

A Mother’s Memories

Two weeks before Joshua died he walked out on the front porch, where I was pulling weeds in my flowerbed below the steps.

“Mom?”

      

I looked up. “Yes, Son?”

     

He kept his head bowed, eyes averted, as was his habit those last few years. “I’m giving you LiahNora.”

     

Sitting back on my heels, I said, “Why would you do that?”

     

He stared at the ground. “I’m tired of taking care of her.”

     

Never being a cat person, I chuckled. “That means I can get rid of her if I want?”

     

Joshua jerked his head up, a fierce frown on his face. His voice raised a notch higher. “You can’t do that.”

     

I stood and reached to touch his arm, but he took a step back.

     

“Son, I won’t do that.”

     

He stared at me. “You can have Heinrich too.” He turned and went back into the house before I could say another word.

     

A bad taste crawled up my throat. Why would Joshua do such a thing? I pondered this turn of events in my heart until after Joshua died, when it all became too terribly clear.

Father in heaven, I don’t understand my son. Please help me think of the right words to encourage him to talk and tell me what is on his mind. In Jesus’s name, I ask. Amen.

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~Your Mother Memories~

~Your Prayer of Praise~

~A Scripture of Encouragement~

God's Mrecies after Suicide: Blessings Woven through a Mother's Heart~Easter Day~A Mother's Memories

Church Building Where We Worshipped When Joshua Was Baptized

Fifteen-year-old Joshua walked into the laundry room. “Mom, I need to be baptized.”

     

I swung round to face him, my arms full of unfolded clothes. “Really, Son? Do you want Preacher Van Wormer to baptize you?”

     

He nodded. “Yep, that’s what I want.”

     

I dropped my clothes in the clean basket. “Do you understand why you need to be baptized?”

     

“Yeah. Our Bible teacher’s been teaching us about the importance of baptism.”

     

Hugging my son, I said, “I’m so glad for this day, Joshua. You are indeed grown-up.”

     

He stepped back and leaned against the dryer. “Would you call the preacher for me?”

     

“Sure. When do you want to do this?”

     

Joshua pressed his lips together in thought. “How about I be baptized on Easter Sunday? That’s only a couple of days away.”

     

I called the preacher, and it became a date for Joshua and our family. I became much relieved, not sure how Joshua was handling the diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis. Joshua had become a quiet teen, and I prayed for him daily. I was certain that one day Joshua would allow God to be his greatest courage, even though ankylosing spondylitis would take his physical strength from him.

     

Just as planned, Joshua became a Christian on Easter Day. That marked one of the happiest days for our youngest child and his family.

Thank You, Lord, for bringing my youngest child to Your Son, Jesus Christ. In His holy name, I am grateful. Amen.

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~Your Mother Memories~

~Your Prayer of Praise~

~A Scripture of Encouragement~