Loving When No Love Flows Back

What I learned right off after Joshua died? The pain feels physical. The pain cuts like nothing I'd experienced. I still loved this young man, but no love flowed back from son to mother.

I can say it helped only a bit, at first, that Joshua pushed us all away before he left. That every waking day during his last two years he grew more miserable. I could feel his pain. When he walked into a room, doom hovered over him, although, I never dreamed he would resort to suicide. Or did I not want to consider that?

I'm still glad I kept Joshua's surroundings comfortable and loving for him. I often wonder though, if I should have taken a break and stood back to see him through fresh eyes.

What I've learned since Joshua? Do love when no love flows back.

To all of us who've lost love to suicide . . . just breathe and pray.

Joshua As A Baby

After reading Danielle Steel's His Bright Light, I stand amazed at how another son who took his life started life so like my Joshua.

Josh was born November 27, 1978 to a family of four. He had the most beautiful coal black eyes and hair. The first time the nurse brought him to me, I held him up to meet him face to face. His eyes drank in every part of me, and if it were possible, even my soul. As our eyes locked, I said, "Hi, son," over and over again. I fell so in love with this long awaited child. And I pushed the doctor for us to go home at the twenty-four hour mark to join our little guy to the family. The doctor agreed.

We had three boy names we liked, and we scrambled as a family to decide on one. When my husband asked me which do we choose, I couldn't come to a decision. I would have named him Jacob Joshua Joseph, but that would have seemed too much. So, I said, "you and the kids choose his name."

Jim went out into the hall to our waiting children, Jami and Jason, and they decided upon Joshua. When Jim came back to tell me, I was pleased! When I asked about a middle name, Jim said, "The name Joshua is good, all by itself."

So, we signed the papers and made it legal, and we took our baby home.

Until next time . . .

Regrets, But Not Guilty

After Josh died, I suffered tremendous guilt for years. At times, I still do, but mostly it's regrets. I wish I would have done this for him. I wish I would have better understood his illness. I wish I would have been smarter. I wish, I wish, I wish . . .

Most days, now, I seek God to remember the better and good times we had with Joshua. Hard work, no doubt, but, rewarded often for my efforts.

On a side note, I just read Danielle Steel's book His Bright Light. This story helped me tremendously to better understand my own son. It's amazing how similar our sons acted as a babies.

Rest in Christ . . . and breathe . . .