Day Four after Joshua's Suicide~Devotion

photo by Jean Ann Williams

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

—Isaiah 41:10

The day after Joshua’s memorial, my appetite growled.

My food groups up until Joshua’s death consisted of dairy, grains, fruits, vegetables, and chicken. Now, I couldn’t get enough steak or salsa. I thought that odd because I ate very little meat before, let alone red meat. Then I read later that our bodies crave protein when we’re under tremendous stress. As far as salsa, I already knew that hot peppers release happy endorphins.

Every single night we ate either Mexican food or steak that first year.

I’d been a healthy eater for twenty-five years, so my mind stung with guilt for the cravings of sugared chocolates after Joshua died. I made most of my indulgences organic sweets. But sometimes nothing satisfied me like M&Ms or the vanilla cream-filled tea cookies. I’d eat those with tall glasses of organic milk.

I was a hypocrite. I knew better than to eat the sweet, empty-calorie foods. That created new guilt heaped upon my other guilt for not having been able to save my son.

In time, I came to understand I needed the comfort foods to keep me from losing my mind, although I handled the junk food part wrong. In time, I switched to healthier sweets and much less of them.

As I ate and ate, I still believed with my whole being that God would not abandon me. Although, I had no idea how harsh my reality would become in those first grieving years.

Lord, I’m glad You created the wholesome comfort foods that I could turn to. In Jesus’s name, I thank You. Amen.