|photo by Jean Ann Williams|
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
The day after Joshua’s memorial, my appetite growled.
My food groups up until Joshua’s death consisted of dairy, grains, fruits, vegetables, and chicken. Now, I couldn’t get enough steak or salsa. I thought that odd because I ate very little meat before, let alone red meat. Then I read later that our bodies crave protein when we’re under tremendous stress. As far as salsa, I already knew that hot peppers release happy endorphins.
Every single night we ate either Mexican food or steak that first year.
I’d been a healthy eater for twenty-five years, so my mind stung with guilt for the cravings of sugared chocolates after Joshua died. I made most of my indulgences organic sweets. But sometimes nothing satisfied me like M&Ms or the vanilla cream-filled tea cookies. I’d eat those with tall glasses of organic milk.
I was a hypocrite. I knew better than to eat the sweet, empty-calorie foods. That created new guilt heaped upon my other guilt for not having been able to save my son.
In time, I came to understand I needed the comfort foods to keep me from losing my mind, although I handled the junk food part wrong. In time, I switched to healthier sweets and much less of them.
As I ate and ate, I still believed with my whole being that God would not abandon me. Although, I had no idea how harsh my reality would become in those first grieving years.
Lord, I’m glad You created the wholesome comfort foods that I could turn to. In Jesus’s name, I thank You. Amen.