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| photo by Jean Ann Williams |
Joshua pushed his
family away before he left us.
During his last
few years, Joshua grew miserable, emotionally and physically. The pain was
carved on his face. His poor health came to the point where he had to use a
cane to walk because his pelvic bone became damaged by the arthritis. Toward
the end of his life doom hovered over him.
With all the
signs, the idea that my own son would die by suicide never entered my mind.
I had so many
regrets over Joshua’s death that when I thought of the blessings, I hung on to
them and reminded myself not to forget. For example, I was glad my husband and
I had made the extra effort to keep our home as stress-free as possible for
Joshua. I wondered though: Should I have stepped back and looked at my son
through fresh eyes? Was there something I missed?
One month before
Joshua died, he walked outside to where I was hosing off the driveway. “Mom?”
My heart leaped.
Joshua spoke my name! I hadn’t heard him say my name in so long. When I looked
at his solemn face, my moment of joy fell flat. Would I ever again see him
smile? I pushed aside my concern for him and became grateful for a conversation
with my silent and moody child. “Yes, Son?”
“It’s almost
spring, isn’t it?”
What an odd
question. Before I could get the words out, “Yes, and I saw a robin yesterday,”
he walked away.
At the time, I
didn’t realize what was behind his question. Since Joshua’s death, I now
understand the highest death rate for suicides occurs in spring. Not Christmas,
as people are led to believe. The reason made sense to me when I read about it.
The sunny days and the birds singing do not fit the suicidal person’s mood.
They can’t imagine living another day in which the earth is breaking out in
song and sun.
Father, I’m grateful You allowed us to keep
Joshua for as long as we had him. He was almost never born. We almost never
knew him. In Jesus’s name. Amen.
Reader Journal
~Your Mother Memories~
~Your Prayer of Praise~
~A Scripture of Encouragement~
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