Monday, July 6th~God's Mercies after Suicide: Blessings Woven through a Mother's Heart~Christmas Day~Devotion

photo by Jean Ann Williams~a crumbled down house

“Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God.”

—Isaiah 50:10

Christmas morning I crawled out of bed.

Fearful, sad, lonely for my son Joshua.

The day smothered me. My muddled brain ran down the corridors of the same emotions. Someone was missing.

Sad—why did he go? Did he not love us? Sadness took root and choked me, day after day and throughout the months.

Joshua could not share in our lives any longer. We trudged on without him.

Fearful—the moment I heard the killing shot. Now I still can’t wrap my mind around life absent of Joshua. How can there even be this? Without him?

     

Lonely—I’m wretched. Numerous times I’ve prayed for the Lord God to stop my heart from beating.

We had come through most of the special holidays and events without our son. And yet, this day—Christmas—would be one of the toughest.

Jami invited us to spend the morning with them and watch the children open their gifts. Much relieved, my husband and I accepted. Normally, Jami and her family had their own family gift-exchange time, and we all would meet later in the day at a relatives’ home.

At first, we sat on Jami’s couch and watched like outsiders. The children drew us in, though. Their smiles beckoned us to be happy with them, and they showed us the gifts they had received.

Always sad—I now laughed at a cute thing my grandchildren had said or done.

Father, for sure we wanted to crawl in a hole and not go through this day. It came and we survived, because of You. We trust in You, for Your great love moved You to give up Your Son, who was born and died for our sins. In Jesus’s holy name. Amen.