Friday, May 22nd~God's Merices after Suicide: Blessings Woven through a Mother's Heart~A Mother's Memories

photo by Jean Ann Williams

Joshua thought he’d left home when he rented a studio eight months before he died.

He stayed at his apartment as much as possible at first. Soon, though, he began eating supper with us. He sometimes slept on our couch. Then, more often than not, he spent the night at our house. I never knew how much he needed us until I read one of his journal entries after his death.

Joshua wrote in his journal: “I tried to be independent. I wanted independence, but I failed, for I felt so alone.”

My young son attempted to live in somewhat normalcy, but life slid sideways on him.

At first when Joshua came around after moving out, I felt glad to see him for it had been awhile. Later when he stayed at our home more than his own, I knew he hadn’t adjusted. 

That dampened my joy for him.

I’m grateful I never berated him for his long visits. I understood he had no social life and no job because of his disability. 

My husband and I would take Joshua out for supper, and afterward, we’d rent a movie to watch at home. My most treasured memories of that last year with Joshua were when he and I went to lunch at our two favorite restaurants. He loosened up a bit and talked about politics, his nieces, or the next project we had planned for the house.

Oh, Lord God, I miss my son. I’m sorry Joshua could not live independently. I’m glad he knew he could come back home. The empty nest we now experience daily will always feel just that—empty. In Jesus’s holy name, please continue to comfort us. Amen.

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